The last time I wrote about my recovery from self harm addiction was five years ago, May 2016. A lot of good things happened in that time, which I’ll get to, but so many very difficult things also occurred.
First, we moved in July 2016. It was our seventh move in seven years. My husband had finished graduate school at the seminary in Indiana, and he had received his Call to be a pastor in Missouri. Almost all my family is in Michigan. I had never even visited or driven through Missouri until the day we moved there with our infant daughter. Yet another new place filled with new faces. Nothing was familiar once again. It was my fist time living in a rural town, and the culture shock was difficult. It was also the first time my husband and I were not working opposite schedules, and we hadn’t realized how difficult that had been on our marriage, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Second, my son was born in 2018, and the postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/A) was EXTREME. To this day, I don’t have words to describe it. The paralyzing dread was intense, and I had thoughts of killing myself because I felt my husband and children would be better off without me. My days were consumed with reminding myself that depression is a disease that lies to you, and I had to gather all my strength to look for someone to help me. Thankfully, my husband supported me in so many ways during that time.
Lastly, 2020. Really, that’s all I need to say because 2020 was a freakish mess for everyone. When the schools closed and I couldn’t teach, I felt I lost my purpose. When our church stopped meeting, that shook me to the core. I was not okay. And there was nowhere to go because everything was taken away. Thank God the shut downs did not happen at a time when I was already suicidal or cutting because forcing me to be home with myself for weeks would have absolutely been a death sentence… and for many, it was.
These three “earthquakes” in my life gave me every reason to relapse.
Self harm is a coping mechanism that can take many forms and serves many purposes. Some people burn themselves or beat themselves. Some scratch or pick or pull hair. I cut my arms, and when I was really out of control, I carved words into my leg. When I started cutting, I was 15. I had suffered sexual assault by a classmate from 7th through 9th grades. I had untreated PTSD from a home explosion, which happened just before I turned 13. My best friend in high school was being beaten by her dad, and I had witnessed some of his behavior. My life was out of control, and I hated myself for it. Cutting helped me cope in many ways:
– It made me feel in control of my body.
– The pain was punishment for all my mistakes. (My biggest reason to cut.)
– The blood reminded me I was alive when I felt emotionally numb.
– Watching my physical wounds heal gave me hope I could heal emotionally.
– The flood of endorphins and adrenaline relaxed me like a drug (hence the addiction).
With many years of counseling, I have learned healthy coping skills, especially for handling my anger towards myself. I still have days when the urge to cut is so strong, I shake and tremble with the battle to fight it. Healthy coping skills are a must.
When I feel triggered, I run my wrists under water. This one works well for me because even in a public space, I can excuse myself to the bathroom. Water is very calming for me. There was one day during the shut downs that I drove to a creek in the middle of nowhere and just sat there and listened to the water.
When I’m angry, I take my anger out by shooting zombies in a video game. I also started doing Beach Body Morning Meltdown 100, and the Fight Club workouts are fantastic for a healthy way to get my anger out while also making me feel strong and capable.
When I feel like giving up, I look at how far I have come. Days, weeks, months, years, a decade and a half without relapse, and I won’t let a temporary moment destroy how far I have come.
When I feel numb, I go for a drive and turn on Christian music, because that always makes me feel God’s presence. It gives me chills and brings me the cleansing tears I needed to cry. The songs “If She Only Knew” by Micah Tyler and “Scars” by Jonny Diaz are just two examples of a song that heals my soul.
When I feel ashamed of my past, I look at my past struggles and find the ways God gave them purpose. Because of my cutting, I relate to other people who self harm. I feel honored being a safe person for them to be heard. Because of my sexual assault, I empathize with the women and men who had their bodies used by other people. Because of the explosion, I understand how a flashback is more than a memory; it’s a form of time travel that puts you right back in that moment. In a flashback, you’re not where you are; you’re where you were.
When I feel out of control, I remember God is in control. There are times it doesn’t feel like it. There are times I wonder if He stopped holding the world and let it roll away from Him. There were times, especially when church was taken from me, that I felt God abandoned me. But I had to remember what I told my students on the last day of school in March 2020. I shared Hebrews 13:8 which says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Our world changed, and it will never again be the same, but Jesus never changed. The God I have now is the same God I had before 2020, and He is the same God I had before all the trauma I endured in my teen years.
And who is this God? He is God the Father, who knows what it is like to love us all as His own children, so much that He bore the torture of watching His only Son die in our place. He is Jesus the Son, who took my sin, my mistakes, to the cross so I don’t need to pay for them through self harm. He is the Holy Spirit, who lives in my heart every moment, giving me what I need to get through this fallen world and reach out to as many people as I can before I go Home with Him.
The past five years could have sent me into relapse, but I clung to Jesus instead.
And something amazing happened. Those three “earthquakes” turned out to be huge blessings.
The place we moved to in Missouri is home. It is the home God had been preparing me for all my life. I love our rural community. Our church members are our family. I know I can go to them with anything. The love and support we have been shown here is phenomenal. We will celebrate our 5th anniversary of living here this July, and I pray we have many more years here. My husband and I are no longer working crazy hours, and we got to know each other again and heal our marriage and be a team and a family. We celebrate our 11th anniversary this June. The first song we danced to at our wedding was “This is Home” by Switchfoot, and I feel like we finally have that place that gives me the feeling I get when I hear that song.
My son’s birth was instrumental in finally getting me the proper treatment. In my 10th anniversary blog entry, I said I was doing well on sertraline (Zoloft), which I started taking at age 15. I said that I would always need it, and that that I was okay with that. I’m now free of all pharmaceutical antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications and have been for two years. One of the ways my severe PPD/A was a blessing was I discovered my symptoms were due to a hormone imbalance. During that time, a functional/holistic doctor clinic opened near me, and we balanced my hormones naturally using adaptogenic herbs. I also cut out junk food, pesticides, preservatives, and artificial ingredients in my food and skincare, except for special occasions. I use herbal products from a company called Earthley. All of this has made a difference. While I think I did need Zoloft in the beginning because the trauma was so severe, I do believe I was on it too long. I feel better today than I did on prescription medicine, and I truly thought I would never say that.
And lastly, even 2020 was a blessing to me, because I learned you can take anything away from me except the one thing I need. You can take my health, my friends, my family, my church, my job, but you can’t take my God. You can have this whole world, but give me Jesus.
If you’re struggling today with temptations to hurt yourself or end your life, I thank you for reading my story and giving your precious time to me. You are brave to live with all that difficulty. You are strong for looking for answers. Some resources that have helped me are To Write Love on Her Arms and Focus on the Family. You are important and deserve healing, no matter who you are or what you have done or how many times you have relapsed. (I had relapsed many times.) I want you to know that just as Jesus loves me, He loves you. Jesus loves you more than mere human words can express, and His heart breaks when you hurt. But He is enough. And He has gone from the depths of hell to the heights of heaven for you. He is the one stronghold that will never fail you. Hold on to Jesus; He is holding on to you. Recovery is coming.
broken quiet 